When we talk to teams about behaviours that are holding them back, gossip –` “third-party” conversations – is often what they point to.
These conversations happen. A lot. One study in the journal Human Nature reported that 70% of all conversations are social in nature while a Scientific American paper suggests that 65% of normal conversations is “swapping stories and gossip”. Kids learn to gossip as soon as they can talk.
If we know it’s unhelpful to achieving high performance, why do we do it?
When we were very young (as a species)
When we lived in small bands as hunter-gatherers, sharing social information was essential for survival. Talking about others allowed us to work out who was helpful and who to avoid, who pulled their weight, and who didn’t.
Keeping track of this information played a big role in the evolution of our minds. It wasn’t easy to do, so (as the research suggests) language evolved, in the first instance, as a way of sharing social information – gossip.
Gossip made the social landscape transparent for all to see.
Gossip also contributed to our standing or status within our group. If others in our tribe spoke well of us, we’d be rewarded with a good reputation. This made us more attractive as a mate. If the tribe spoke badly of us, we’d lose status, and we’d risk punishment or even exile (which was as good as death).
This means that gossip, like it or not, is hardwired into our operating systems. In short: gossip was useful. It helped us survive back in the day.
Fast forward, we’re no longer living in small tribes on the savannah, but our brains are still wired the same way.
Modern gossip often looks like this: “I don’t want to have a direct conversation with someone, so I talk to someone else about them instead.” It’s usually driven by fear or low trust. And while it might feel good or safe in the moment, it rarely solves anything.
Closing the Loop
Talking about people isn’t always bad. Referrals, for example, are a productive form of third-party conversation. Leaders need to discuss their teams with peers. The key is to know when it’s helping and when it’s not.
For workplace gossip to be useful, you have to “close the loop”.
Sense checking with a teammate about someone? Fine. But at some point, one of you needs to address the third party directly.
Next time you catch yourself in a third-party conversation, ask yourself: Am I avoiding having a conversation with someone? And if I am, will one of us close the loop?
Actually closing the loop – not just realising you should – is how you move on from workplace drama to more productive conversations that support high performance.
And it’s how you stop acting like a caveman.
